“Our people once were warriors. But unlike you, Jake, they were people with mana, pride; people with spirit.”
– Once Were Warriors
Kia ora, mates. This installment of Warriors is about the original Kiwis: the Maori. You won’t be brassed off by this episode. We’re a couple of pakeha, but we give it heaps. This episode is a corker and chock-a-block with elements. Cheers, bros.
Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora!
(Tis death! Tis death! Tis life! Tis life!)
“They hold it unlawful to talk of anything which it is unlawful to do. The most disgraceful thing in the world, they think, is to tell a lie.” –On the Customs of the Persians, Herodotus
In this installment of Warriors, we honour the Persians by only speaking the truth about their elite soldiers, the Immortals. This means that they were probably called the “Companions” instead of the “Immortals,” and that they were regular men in purple and yellow robes instead of dual katana-wielding orc ninjas. Who knew Zach Snyder took some creative liberties with them?
Episode 178: Warriors: Persian Immortals[ 1:05:34 ]Play NowPlay in Popup
“A long bow and a strong bow, And let the sky grow dark. The nock to the cord, the shaft to the ear, And a foreign king for a mark!”
– Robert E. Howard
In this installment of Warriors, we discuss the English longbowmen and Welsh lngbwmn (probable spelling). Listen to learn how surprisingly easy it is to make a longbow, according to Chris, and how to safely remove an arrow, according to Lyal.
This is another Wayneless episode. He refused to participate in protest over our refusal name this episode “longbowpeople”.
“The bones must be thrown in three different places before the message must be accepted.”
– Zulu proverb
What bones? Where are they being thrown? Couldn’t someone just sign for the message?
In this episode, we discuss the Zulu Impi, who conquered the surrounding areas and took on the British Empire. Be thankful that Chris didn’t write these notes or they would’ve been in Zulu. What’s the Zulu word for “pretentious”, Chris?
“We can certainly risk a few Legionnaires for France. After all, they are mostly foreigners.”
–March or Die
Those that make jokes about the French’s inability to fight forget the elite, battle-hardened French Foreign Legion. This collection of Germans, Eastern Europeans, Latin Americans … aaaaand that doesn’t help. Never mind.
In this installment of warriors, we look at the French Foreign Legion, a gang of murderers, rapists, and thieves, until Interpol stepped in with background checks. Now, it’s home to alimony-escaping ex-spouses, the unemployed, and probably still thieves (at least Interpol left us with that one).
Episode 136: Warriors: French Foreign Legion[ 1:02:02 ]Play NowPlay in Popup
It takes three to make a thing go right It takes espirit to make it outta sight En garde!
I wanna allez now I am prêt and I came to get down I am internationally known And I am known to riposte for the throne Because I get stoopid, I mean rivalacious Stay away from me if you’re contagious Cause I’m the winner, no, I’m not a loser To be musketeer is what I choose-a Ladies love me, girls adore me I mean even the ones who never saw me Like the way that I touché them in bed While my rivals passé instead
In this installment of warriors, we look at the French Musketeers. Are you flashy enough to carry an épée?
“It is better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightning in the hand.”
– Apache proverb
The warpath When lightning strikes, bows and war clubs gleamin’ No sunshine, no Geronimo dreamin’ The cavalry roamin’ on the loose, you got juice Up for abuse, when Chiricahua is induced So suck along, rock on, the brain waves
What you clocking, I’d be tomahawking, you get maimed The games you play, look up and say you want to change And rearrange, the strange, you never go the way Don’t look back, forget that, you need that Just sit back, look at the show, and see that
In this installment of warriors, we look at the Apache. Are we just thunder in the mouth?
It is better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightning in the hand.
Genghis Khan is the name, I’m ahead of my game Still, drinking from teats, still with hoof beats Still not loving the Caliphs (Uh hun) Still rock my kharash in battle and a seige Still got love for the steeeppes, repping one one one Still the hooves bang, still arrows twang Since I left, ain’t too much changed, still
Got a whole Tumen ridin’ at my back, you won’t even see when I’m coming to attack
Cause you think that we be a fleein’, yeah looks like we be retreatin’
But soon you’ll be seein’; that it’s you who is get beaten
You think we all dressed in fur, but I got fine lacquer armor and a bling silk shirt.
Still history won’t be bored,
Still have all the rage we have stored,
Still yo you gonna get served, Still by the Mongol Horde! Since I left, ain’t too much changed, still
For our next installment of Warriors, we look at the Mongolian Horsemen. A group who, even 700 years later, still represents the idea of an unstoppable, all conquering juggernaut.
Episode 111: Warriors: Mongolian Horsemen[ 1:18:34 ]Play NowPlay in Popup
Jupiter’s middle leg! Has it been C episodes already? Gratitude for listening. At times, words fell from our mouths as crap from ass. However, we pray we offered some manner of good advice on other occasions. We plan to continue as long as desire wills our tongues.
In episode C, we offer another installment of Warriors. Here we discuss Gladiators, the brotherhood of the stadium.
Episode 100: Warriors: Gladiators[ 1:08:36 ]Play NowPlay in Popup
“Forever young, I want to be forever young.
Do you really want to live forever, forever, forever?”
– “Forever Young”, Alphaville
Assail your opponent from behind, only fire at close range, and always, always keep the sun behind you. In this installment of Warriors, we talk about l’as, the star-turn, der uberkanonen, the flying ace.